<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>It's just a headache by iamglassfandom88</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27454198">It's just a headache</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamglassfandom88/pseuds/iamglassfandom88'>iamglassfandom88</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, Hurt Johnny, M/M, OT23 (NCT)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 16:43:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,838</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27454198</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamglassfandom88/pseuds/iamglassfandom88</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Everything felt wrong. Johnny felt so wrong, the pain in his head tenfold to what it had been only minutes before. He reached his hands up to his head, grabbing at it, squeezing his messy hair in a tight grip as he felt himself stumble and his eyes snapped shut, the lights becoming too much, the sound of his voice becoming too much, the pain becoming too much. He could hear an alarming agonized noise throughout the room and it wasn’t until he felt his knees completely buckle beneath him, that he realised it was him. Everything felt wrong, everything felt so so wrong....</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Suh Youngho | Johnny/Everyone, Suh Youngho | Johnny/NCT Ensemble</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>65</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>It's just a headache</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer 1: I am British, so the language, spelling and terms that I use are going to be British English. It’s just the way I speak and write, so I don’t need anyone telling me I’m spelling words wrong.<br/>Disclaimer 2: I don’t own the boys (obviously) but this is my own story, my own made character personalities and events, NONE OF IT’S REAL. Thank you.</p>
<p>Please enjoy, and feel free to comment!<br/>Please be nice! It's my first one!</p>
<p>EDIT: I went back and changed up the paragraph layout, hopefully making it easier to read!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Johnny didn’t feel good, he hadn’t for quite a while. Over a two month period of long houred, stressful promotions, performances, interviews, rehearsals, vlives, he had felt awful. The first indicator that he was getting ill was after a near sleepless night, with as little sleep as he’d had, he awoke to the horrible sensation that he was about to be sick, yet as he rushed to get out of bed to one of the available bathrooms, a disorientating dizzy spell came over him, forcing him to sit back down on his bed to try and let it pass. He’d had to stay there for 10 minutes before he could  even stand up again and the dizziness had gone away and the nausea had left him thankfully but Johnny took no real notice of it, thinking that it was because he hadn’t eaten anything the night before, after coming back from a radio interview; though since that morning he really hadn’t felt any better, if anything it gradually grew worse. Starting with a twinging in the back of his head, a small constant headache over a few days– not bad but always there and more than once he’d lost concentration during a recording session or dance practice something he could do in a heartbeat which got him a scolding once or twice and some confused looks from his members.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Another indicator that appeared was a surprising one, as through Nct, all the members and even the fans knew he loved coffee, loved coffee and normally he’d have made himself at least 2 cups before they headed to the company in the morning yet one day when he was making his coffee, the smell made his stomach turn and he had to open a window to get the smell away from him and in the end he’d just thrown the still hot coffee away, unable to even drink it. Over that week it had been the same, every time he tried making himself a cup, his stomach protested so violently that he stopped even attempting to make himself one and the astonished looks his members had given him when he turned down getting a coffee from a café after practice was enough to make him laugh, had his head not protested in a spike of pain. He’d been asked by a few of his members and his leader if he was alright that day and even though he wasn’t feeling perfect, he just told them he was ok (not wanting to bother them) and that he just didn’t feel like having one. Johnny had been given a few strange looks that day. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Having recently moved into a new set of inter–connecting dorms, the best thing about it was that Johnny had been given his own room, no longer having to share meant that he had somewhere quiet to escape to after long days at the practice rooms, since feeling ill, Johnny had been far more grateful for his room where he could go and sleep and be in silence with his door locked and the curtains drawn closed. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had empty packets of pain medication scattered over his nightstand and some in his bin, along with full ones he had bought recently; the pain in his head had been getting worse and it didn’t seem to ever go away, a painful constant reminder of how bad he felt. </span>
  <span>The medication helped to numb the ache but he could still feel this throbbing in his head whenever he moved and it helped to soothe his stomach just a little, while he hadn't thrown up at all, he still felt rough. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He began to spend more time in his room on his own, locking the door behind him, so no one could come in and see all the packets of pills, and hiding under his covers than spending time with his members and the other boys were noticing the change. In the group, Johnny was one of their resident mood makers, he knew what to say to get them to laugh and the younger boys adored him, he was their Hyung after Taeil and he always showcased how much he loved the boys; most likely the reason he’d been christened the father of the group by the fans and the boys, so it was strange when after returning home again, he’d shut himself in his room– he never used to lock the door, and only really came out for meals or if the managers needed to talk to them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Yet when brought up over dinner one evening, Johnny just made the excuse that he was tired from all their practices and just wanted to sleep, he hated having to bother the others, he was their strong Hyung, the second eldest and he didn’t want to be a bother, he knew no one believed him, if the looks Taeyong exchanged with Jaehyun were anything to prove it, same with the other boys when they thought he wasn’t looking, but he saw. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>To try and prove to them that he was fine, he stayed up to watch a film with them after dinner that night, trying to focus on the screen as much as he could with his eyes protesting against the bright lights. He had to bail half–way through, the feeling that he was going to be sick coming back strong, he said he was heading to bed, yet the boys were too focused on the TV to notice so he made his escape, heading straight to one of the bathrooms, locking the door and just making it to the toilet in time before he threw up his entire days worth of food; which wasn’t much at all. He screwed his eyes shut tight as he continued to heave, hoping that none of the others had heard yet the faint laughter he could hear from the living room reassured him. He tried opening his eyes, yet had to close them again in a pained faint groan, the light making his head spin violently and bringing another wave of heaving. He didn’t know how long he’d been there on the floor but he’d stopped heaving some time ago, his stomach now just cramping and his throat aching along with his head and he knew that he couldn’t stay there forever so with that, forced himself to stand up, flushing the toilet and washing his hands before finally looking into the mirror.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked awful, his skin clammy with beaded sweat on his forehead and at the back of his neck, his eyes were dull, lifeless with big dark bags underneath and overall, he just looked paler than normal. He knew he wasn’t looking his best but not he just looked awful. Continuing to look at himself in the mirror, he could see how his cheeks were thinner, jawline more pronounced yet in a sickly way and his head pounded loudly in his ears as he saw how cracked his lips were from all the panting and heaving he’d done, reminding him of how disgusting his mouth tasted, coupled with a sudden knock of the door, ‘Hyung? Are you alright in there?’ Johnny stood up straighter, grabbing his toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash to scrub at his teeth and gums. He rinsed with mouthwash and splashed a couple of handfuls of water over his face to give him that shock to look more alive and before unlocking the door, sprayed some strong air freshener to mask the smell, opening the door on a worried looking Jungwoo. He plastered a fake smile on his face and ruffled his hand through the boys hair, ‘I’m fine Woo, I was just washing up for bed. I’m ok. I’ll see you tomorrow, make sure you don’t stay up too late, busy day planned.’ He stepped past the boy, making his way to his room quickly, the smile dropping from his face as his head ached at the action, still hoping his dongsaeng hadn’t noticed anything as he locked his door and actually went about getting ready for bed, passing out nearly as soon as his head hit the pillow. Jungwoo had watched as his Hyung walked away, looking uneasy on his feet, a frown on his face as he knew his Johnny Hyung wasn’t ok, he wasn’t fine. He’s seen as the older boy nearly sprinted to the bathroom, a look on his face that screamed </span>
  <em>
    <span>sick</span>
  </em>
  <span> yet seeing him just then, Johnny looked and was acting as though truly, nothing was wrong, as though nothing had happened and it was making him nervous. He knew that Johnny wasn’t someone who asked for help or showed his true emotions very often but he still couldn’t help but feel as though Johnny was hiding something from them but Johnny wasn’t likely going to tell them so with a huffed out sigh, and one last look towards the older boys bedroom door, made his way back towards the living room not noticing the smell of the freshly sprayed air freshener or the sour undertone of vomit. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After that night everything seemed so much harder, Johnny felt tired all the time his head never stopped hurting and to make things worse, it was now affecting his work. Johnny loved communicating with his fans, he loved when they did vlives but he couldn’t focus during them, he couldn’t smile as much and he stopped being as vocal during them, taking a back seat when the other boys were talking, trying to stay as much in the background without worrying his members or the fans. He knew that the fans would realise something was wrong with him sooner than his members– fans were far more observant than their idols it seemed. He had a solo livestream one evening, talking to the fans, answering questions and listening to music with them from their suggestions when he’d been hit with a stomach cramp and it had taken all his self awareness and strength to stop himself from crying out and letting the fans know something was wrong or the members which were watching.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As discreetly as he could, he’d brought one of his hands down to his stomach just as his tilted the camera up just an inch to show more of his upper chest than down towards his desk; with the hand on his stomach, he’d pressed in firmly, momentarily closing his eyes in a wince before remembering what he was doing, slapping a smile back on his face and faking that he had something in his eye when fans began asking if he was alright, rubbing at his eye to sell the act. He’d made it through the live, ending it as quickly as he could without seeming like he wanted to leave, curling into himself the moment he turned his phone off. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He’d been on live for 2 hours, the first hour had been ok, yes his head hurt, quite badly at times but that last hour with both headache and the cramping ruined the entire thing for him. Still hunched over where he was, he hadn’t noticed his door opening until he heard speaking, ‘You alright Johnny Hyung?’ He sat up quickly, head shifting towards his door where Lucas was standing, ‘Yes I’m fine, I just got some dust in my eye during the live and it’s still kinda bothering me.’ Lucas looked sympathetic, seemingly not noticing just how bad Johnny felt. ‘I know gently rubbing a wet towel over your eye can help with dust, it happens to me a lot. But anyway, Yuta Hyung wanted me to tell you that dinner’s ready and Taeyong Hyung is getting impatient that not everyone is there, so I came to get you.’ The younger boy looked hungry, he always was, which made Johnny feel somewhat sentimental, ignoring the pain so that he could lead the boy back towards the living room where the 23 of them usually ate, so that the tall 21 year old could finally eat. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Johnny wasn’t hungry, in fact he felt sick but knew he couldn't say he’d eaten already as he’d been doing vlive the whole time and he’d not entered the kitchen or left the dorm once so he put up with it, eating as much as he could take and talking to his members for a while until he was able to lie that he needed to use the bathroom. He threw up 3 times that night, alone and in pain while the rest of the boys knew nothing of what was happening, all of them hopefully asleep in their rooms and he wasn’t going to tell them, bother them– he’d get better, of course he’d get better. So what he felt nauseous all the time and his head ached. It was just a headache… just a headache.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Johnny had barely slept that night due to the 2 other trips to the bathroom to heave and throw up nothing. His stomach was cramping badly from having nothing in it, so bad that at around 4 in the morning he’d struggled through the dorm to the kitchen, holding onto the walls and anything he could grab, clutching his stomach to try and find something to eat. Dry toast, the safest option you could ever choose was what he picked, hoping the smell wouldn’t wake anyone; he also got himself a glass of water to take with some more pain meds. His head was worse, pounding and pounding with the pain moving behind his eyes and to the back of his head that even moving on his pillow when he laid down again hurt and made him feel so off balance but he’d curled up as much as he could with his large frame and kept his eyes closed, hoping that that would do something to relieve him of the dizziness. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Waking up a few hours later was a sensation he never wanted to experience ever again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He felt as though someone was jumping on his stomach and had been rubbing sandpaper down his throat all night, which ripped a weak groan of pain from his chest as he tried to open his eyes, the room spinning as he had to force himself to keep them open without instantly throwing up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was still trying to keep himself conscious, when someone knocked at his door, the noise too loud in his ears and thudding in his head, ‘Hyung, are you awake, we need to leave in 15 minutes? Manager Hyungs will be annoyed if we’re not all ready to go!’ The door opened a crack– Johnny had forgotten to lock it the 2nd time he’d come back to his room, and Yuta poked his head through the gap, a sunshine smile on his face until he saw Johnny sit up in bed, turning into a frown. ‘Hyung are– are you ok? You look sick, are you sick?’ Johnny felt himself panic internally, using every ounce of his strength to put a smile on his face and get out of bed, ‘No I’m not sick, just tired and I woke up in the middle of a </span>
  <em>
    <span>really good </span>
  </em>
  <span>dream. I’m fine though.’ He’d turned to open his wardrobe, smile slipping before facing the younger boy again, ‘Really I’m fine, Let me get ready and then I’ll be out in a few  minutes.’ He turned away again and listened as the other boy closed his door before sinking against the door of his wardrobe, head against the cool wood as he willed his body to keep moving. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He grabbed some sweats and a plain t-shirt to throw on, not bothered about his appearance at all today. He went to one of the bathrooms that was empty, quickly washed up– avoiding everyone else on his way back to his room, changed and applied </span>
  <em>
    <span>a lot</span>
  </em>
  <span> of concealer beneath his eyes to hide the dark circles before putting on his watch, grabbing a hoodie to throw on, his bag, a cap and a mask. The dorm was alive… and loud, </span>
  <em>
    <span>very</span>
  </em>
  <span> loud, and Johnny had to fight every urge not to just go back into his room and hide from it all; Taeil, Jaehyun and Taeyong were wrangling the maknaes into their shoes with Doyoung and Yuta being put in charge of water bottles, a massive spread of them across the kitchen table. Johnny grabbed 2, taking a large drink and tried to keep to himself as much as he could, he just wanted to sleep and he was lucky enough that none of the younger members seemed interested in him that morning, all ganged up around Donghyuck and Mark as they played a game on their phones.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their managers arrived shortly after, talking loudly in an equally loud room to Taeyong about the day planned– they had a group practice today with the whole group of them–all 23 members. Great!</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Eventually, all of them were herded downstairs to the vans, it was 9:30 and they had a practice starting at 10:15 so they had to hurry more than most days. The boys were all talking the entire time, so loud and laughing loudly and Johnny couldn’t stand it, keeping at the back with one of the bodyguards who thankfully didn’t talk to him. He managed to snag the front seat of one of the vans so he wouldn’t be among the noise as much but the van he’d climbed into also contained Mark and Hyuck, normally he loved the boys, they were like younger brothers to him and he loved being around them but the last few weeks had been quite stressful, painful, exhausting and Johnny was having difficulty keeping his patience, at any given moment he felt like he could snap and he didn’t want to. Having no intentions to speak with anyone that journey, Johnny put his headphones in and put on the most relaxing piece of music he could find, it didn’t even have lyrics, settling back in the seat with a sigh and closing his eyes, thankful that he could even for a little while. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His head hurt far worse than before–probably because of all the throwing up last night and the stress of thinking he’d get caught, but he would take some medicine when he got to the company and he’d feel fine later on, the pills managed the pain, he’d be fine today. He was the last out of the van when they arrived at the company, pulling his hat low on his head to shield his eyes from the sun and mask pulled up over his nose so that he could be as invisible as possible for as long as he could. There were fans hovering outside–there were always hovering outside, usually quite tame in their cheers and confessions of love to anyone making their way into the building who was an idol but today it just sounded loud, screechy, irritating in his ears even with his music on and so he rushed past them, not even glancing in their direction where he normally would have at least waved if not talked briefly; he knew it was most likely very rude, but he really didn’t care, couldn’t find it in himself to feel guilty about it either. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Johnny took one look at the boys all waiting for the lifts before making a decision, he wanted to avoid the tight space and loud boys so to avoid it, Johnny turned to go and take the stairs, a rarity in the act as he could see their confusion out the corner of his eyes as he walked away from them being herded into the lifts, yet he realised his mistake when every single step made an echo around the stairwell, every sound was too loud, even his breathing grew too loud for him, every little thing caused more thudding behind his eyes but it wasn’t until a door a few floor above slammed that he had to stop though, hands clutched to his ears over his headphones, not even playing music anymore, just there to barricade the sound which hadn’t worked, wincing as he leant against the breath coming out heavy. The echo was just going round and round and round and round in his head, the aching sensation dominating his entire body. He had to sit down, leaning heavily against the cool wall and coaching his breathing back to normal; he sat there until the echoing of the door stopped and it was just him again, breathing as quietly as he could.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His phone vibrated in his pocket and with sluggish motions he pulled it out, turning the brightness down as much as possible. It was a message from Taeyong and a couple of missed phone calls from both him and Mark. </span>
  <em>
    <span>‘Hyung where are you? Practice needs to start soon, everyone’s waiting for you.’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>Johnny felt guilty, sending back a quick message that he was on his way as he struggled to his feet, he only had a floor to go so he wouldn’t be long getting there. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The door creaked loudly as it swung open and he had to stop himself flinching as he entered the practice room, everyone was there, </span>
  <em>
    <span>everyone, </span>
  </em>
  <span>managers, instructors, 22 loud boys. Taeyong spotted him almost instantly, halting his conversation with Kun and Xiaojun to raise an eyebrow at Johnny as though asking, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Where were you?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Johnny just shrugged, working his way to a corner of the room unoccupied by everyone, sinking into the corner, slipping his mask off and opening his bag, grabbing his water bottle. He wanted to take some pills for his head but as he was looking through his bag, he realized with horror that the pills were still sitting on his nightstand and he knew exactly where they were. For a moment he felt as though he could burst into tears but just as the feeling rose, a set of feet appeared in his eyeline, ‘Hi Johnny Hyung, are you ready for practice?’ He looked up into the sunshine smile of one Mark Lee and however bad Johnny felt, he could never not smile at Mark, one of his favourite dongsaengs– not that he had a favourite. ‘Yeah Markie, I’m ready.’ He smiled back at him, knowing it wasn’t genuine and he knew he didn’t sound it either but he wasn’t going to show it. He stood up, wrapping an arm over Mark’s shoulders as he led them into the middle of the floor where everyone else was standing waiting to start warming up. He stayed at the back of the room, not wanting too much attention and with the new group promotions everyone was very focused on their dancing and vocals. He breathed heavy out his nose, knowing that without the pills this practice would be awful but he just knew he had to put up with it, there was too much to do and the boys had put in so much work for the albums and he wasn’t going to mess it up for them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everything went bad. He got called out many times by their instructors for messing up steps and he could see the fatigue beginning to build in everyone as they had to do the dances again and again, over and over. He wasn't trying to mess up on purpose, but he felt so off kilter and so tired and so in pain that it was hard to focus. Practice hadn’t been this hard before, the music shows and the interviews and the stages hadn’t been this hard, even with his aching head but it was just not right, he couldn’t get into it at all and it was making him angry, angry at himself but the more frustrated he felt he more his head hurt, so when </span>
  <em>
    <span>finally</span>
  </em>
  <span> their instructors called for a break, Johnny went straight to his bag and sank to the floor, wiping his face on his hoodie and greedily taking large gulps of one of his waters until there was none left before lying down. He felt sick and his throat felt horrible, his stomach still wasn’t settled and his head hurt like nothing he’d ever felt before. Having been practicing for so long Johnny thought the rest of the boys would settle down somewhere and rest for a bit but he was wrong, they were just as loud, the managers had left with the instructors for about and hour to get the groups lunches so it was just Nct left in the room and they were living up to their craziness. A few of them were on their phones, playing loud games or music– Johnny didn’t care, a few of them were sitting talking and then the rest of them were just being loud; shouting, laughing loudly, screaming on occasion as they tousled with each other and Johnny had had enough. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Johnny wasn’t a member who got angry, he didn’t like getting angry, he barely did, known to all as the gentle giant. He was easy to laugh with, easy to talk to, calm and collected yet could be hyperactive just like the maknaes when he wanted to be but he was rarely annoyed or angry and even if he was, it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> towards his members– the company, yes but his boys? Never. Yet in this practice room as his head began to hurt more and more and more, he could feel himself losing that control he had on himself, he was angry, just wanting some peace and quiet for once. Why didn’t the boys feel tired like him? Why couldn’t they sit and be quiet? They’d been practicing for 2 hours straight. Why did they still have energy? Johnny had closed his eyes to get some relief from the lights when loud shouting and laughing began again, the boys getting too rowdy and without thinking Johnny was up on his feet, turning on the other boys, throwing his full water bottle across the room with a resounding smack as it hit a wall.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Can everyone just SHUT UP? IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR SOME FUCKING PEACE AND QUIET IN THIS PLACE?’ You could hear a pin drop, silence as Johnny panted loudly with agitation, everyone staring at him in varying levels of absolute shock. The youngest members of the group looked as though they would all burst into tears at any second while the older members looked really concerned, yet at that moment he wasn’t thinking about that, he just wanted quiet, ‘DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO BLOODY LOUD ALL THE TIME? WE’VE HAD PRACTICE FOR 3 FUCKING HOURS! HOW ARE YOU NOT TIRED? CAN’T YOU EVER JUST SIT STILL AND STAY STILL? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MESS AROUND ALL THE TIME? IT’S ANNOYING, IT’S PATHETIC! YOU’RE NOT KIDS, GROW UP! IS IT SO BAD THAT ALL I WAnt is some…some...’ Everything felt wrong. Johnny felt so wrong, the pain in his head tenfold to what it had been only minutes before. He reached his hands up to his head, grabbing at it, squeezing his messy hair in a tight grip as he felt himself stumble and his eyes snapped shut, the lights becoming too much, the sound of his voice becoming too much, the pain becoming too much. A few moments later he could hear an alarming agonized noise throughout the room and it wasn’t until he felt his knees completely buckle beneath him, that he realised it was him. Everything felt wrong, everything felt so so wrong....</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>The boys had been messing around a bit during their break, they’d worked hard during practice and they deserved a little bit of downtime to relax and enjoy their break. Most of them were sitting together playing games on their phones while the rest just talked to each other. It had been easy to see that Johnny just wanted to be on his own so Taeyong had motioned for no one to bother him but none of them noticed that the louder the room got, the more tense Johnny’s shoulders became and no one was ready for when a loud smack echoed through the room, shocking them all, most of them jumping in surprise, just as their second eldest Hyung started shouting. ‘Can everyone just SHUT UP? IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR SOME FUCKING PEACE AND QUIET IN THIS PLACE?’ The room went silent instantly, Johnny was shouting at them– calm, kind Johnny Hyung was shouting at them. Taeyong was shocked, the leader never hearing Johnny sound so angry, so agitated, this wasn’t Johnny, not at all. The leaders' eyes quickly locked with Taeil and Doyoung across from each other, the three of them having been talking. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The two boys looked just as shocked and when Taeyong glanced around the room, the rest of the boys were in a similar state; Jisung and Chenle were clinging to Jaemin, Shotaro was hiding behind Yuta and Sungchan behind Jungwoo their eyes wide in fright. Mark and Donghyuck… absolutely frozen, neither moving, both wide eyed, wide mouthed as Johnny continued to shout, ‘DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO BLOODY LOUD ALL THE TIME? WE’VE HAD PRACTICE FOR 3 FUCKING HOURS! HOW ARE YOU NOT TIRED? CAN’T YOU EVER JUST SIT STILL AND STAY STILL? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO MESS AROUND ALL THE TIME? IT’S ANNOYING, IT’S PATHETIC! YOU’RE NOT KIDS, GROW UP! IS IT SO BAD THAT ALL I WAnt is some…some...’ </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Taeyong’s heart dropped, something was wrong. Taeyong had never seen that look on his Hyungs face– pure pain, there were gasps around the room as Johnny suddenly brought his hands up to grab at his head, pulling at his hair which looked painful in itself. He was swaying on his feet, looking very unbalanced making Taeyong stand up quickly along with Ten and Jaehyun who had also realised, ‘Johnny, are you....’ Taeyong’s sentence was cut off when he let out the most anguished, agonizing cry, his knees buckling beneath him as he fell to the floor, the room falling into absolute chaos. With a speed no one could process, Lucas had scrambled to his feet and got to Johnny just before his head could hit the floor, yet as Taeyong, Taeil, Yuta and Kun got to them he’d begun convulsing, his arms twitching violently, his head jerking around and his eyes not focussing on anything and rolling in his head. Taeil had moved into action, pulling his jumper over his head, pushing it beneath Johnny’s, cushioning it from the hard floor, ‘Sicheng, Jungwoo, take all the youngsters out , Lucas stay with us we may need you to help lift him, I don’t know. Don’t argue with me Donghyuck, GO.’ There was a rush around the room as Jungwoo and Sicheng herded the distressed younger members from the room leaving the older members alone with Johnny. ‘Don’t hold him down, that could hurt him more, just make sure he can’t hurt himself– Kun take his watch off. Ten go and find the managers. HURRY!’ While saying all this Taeil had taken out his phone and was timing Johnny’s seizure, carefully watching his dongsaeng while the other boys waited for assistance from anyone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It felt as though it was a nightmare lasting forever but gradually, after some time, Johnny’s convulsing began to diminish and his eyes had stopped rolling and darting around everywhere, meaning Taeil was able to stop timing it. ‘Just under 3 minutes, ok, ok that’s ok.’ He was muttering to himself before gently resting a hand on Johnny’s heavy rising chest, leaning over him slightly to try and get his eyes on him, ‘Johnny? Youngho, can you hear me? You’re safe Johnny, you’re safe, just stay still and stay relaxed alright, help’s coming soon!’ Taeyong had been in complete shock, frozen the entire time at Johnny’s side but once Taeil had begun talking soothingly to Johnny, he let out a large breath of air he hadn’t realised he was holding and brought his hands up to rub at his face, tears coming away on his hands– he hadn’t realised he was crying.  He looked around for his other members, suddenly remembering that they weren’t alone– Lucas was still by Johnny’s head, tears rolling down his face looking absolutely distraught; Taeyong shifted round to pull the boy into a hug, his large frame bending to be small in Taeyong’s embrace as he cried, eyes never leaving his Hyung. Taeyong looked over to where Doyoung and Jaehyun were holding onto each other, neither crying but looking very close to it and at Johnny’s side, Kun holding onto Taeil’s arm, his fingers clasped around Johnny’s watch. Yuta was frozen at Johnny’s other side next to Taeyong, hands gently resting on his Hyungs arm rubbing small circles onto his skin as he kept watching his face and glancing at Taeil as he whispered at Johnny. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Wondering where 10 was with help, the door opened and he rushed in, their managers right behind with a couple of in–house medics that SM had. Their managers looked very serious and alarmed, coming to the aid of the boys. Taeyong led both Lucas and Yuta away from Johnny and Taeil, who immediately began telling the medic the time of his seizure, while Ten got Kun and they all made their way over to Doyoung and Jaehyun. ‘I don’t understand…what just happened?’ Lucas was crying into Taeyong’s neck as Doyoung rubbed his back, ‘Neither do we Xuxi, neither do we.’ They all stood by in silence and watched as the medics worked, listening to Johnny’s chest and taking his pulse, he was beginning to respond again, only in sounds but he sounded tired, so tired and disoriented that Taeyong wanted to cry again. 10 minutes later the door opened again and some paramedics entered the room bringing a stretcher with them and other medical equipment; there was another round of questions and talking with Taeil and the managers before the boys watched as their Hyung was careful lifted onto the stretcher, secured and wheeled from the room, presumably to an ambulance. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The room went silent after he finally left the room, one of their managers going with him while their other manager walked over to them with a hand on Taeil’s shoulder for his good work before the paramedics got there. ‘He’s in safe hands now, but there isn’t anything we can do now until we know more so what I’m suggesting is we get you all back to your members and you will be taking the rest of the day off as well as going home.’ There was automatic pretesting, ‘Or, or you can stay here– in another room of course and we’ll let you know as soon as we hear any news. I’m sure the young ones are scared and upset and they’ll need their Hyungs so I’d better take you to them. We’ll have all your bags moved later. Come on.’ That was probably the gentlest the boys had ever heard their manager speak to them, but from his tone of voice he was just as worried as they were. He led them from the room, Lucas still clinging to Taeyong like a koala and Taeil had taken both Ten and Yuta’s hands in his, while Doyoung, Kun and Jaehyun walked together, all of them in silence.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their manager brought them to another, smaller practice room and upon entering, all that could be heard was sniffling and gentle words between all the younger boys. Everyone’s heads turned to the door the moment they heard it opening yet no one really spoke which was understandable, everyone was in shock still; their manager repeated what he’d told the others and after a while, left to go and arrange their bags as well as give their other manager a call for any progress.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Any other day, if Taeyong had walked in to see all his boys cuddled up and snuggling in one group he would have cooed at how cute it was, but the teary faces, sniffles and sadness from everyone was enough to bring his mood down straight away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Was it our fault Hyung? We were all shouting and being too loud and was it our fault.’ Mark cut the silence, his question breaking Taeyong’s heart as the boy cried brokenly, ‘No Mark, it was not your fault– none of your faults. Seizures can be unpredictable and I don’t even think Johnny Hyung knew what was happening but I know that none of you did anything wrong.’ Taeyong said vehemently, looking each and every member in the eyes to show that he meant what he was saying, ‘But Hyung, Johnny Hyung hadn’t been himself in a while and we couldn’t be quiet even for a minute!’ Donghyuck said, a tear rolling down his face– a look not meant for Hyuck or any of Taeyong’s members. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The older members moved closer to the others, sitting down so that they were amongst everyone, Taeil speaking up as he sat down, ‘You had no part in Johnny’s seizure, none of us did– perhaps something triggered it but I have a feeling that this would have happened sooner or later as much as it hurts to think or say.’ Jisung let out a hiccupped cry, everyone looking at him, tucked up with his head in his arms. ‘Jisunggie, come here baby.’ Doyoung called, the youngest boy moving over with big tears all over his face and in his eyes curling into Doyoung’s lap. ‘I’m sorry, I was just so scared Hyung. I was so scared…’ he began to cry again. Lucas had moved over to Kun and Ten settling between the two older boys so Taeyong motioned for Mark and Hyuck to come over to him, he knew the situation was hurting them in a slightly different way to the others. For Mark, Johnny was a lifeline for western life– his big brother in all but blood and probably his favourite Hyung and for Hyuck it was similar, the older male being like a big brother too, almost a father figure you could say and the connection between those three was something that many would be jealous of and all the times they’d messed around with Johnny, he’d never shouted at them in anger, maybe if he was teasing but never shouted at them seriously. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Looking around the room at all the boys, Taeyong felt as though there was something else he should address, ‘I also wanted to say that anything Johnny Hyung was saying… shouting, he didn’t mean it. I can promise you that Johnny Hyung would not say something like that if he hadn’t been feeling the way he was, we’re loud at times, yes but none of you are children and he does not think that. He also doesn't think that you guys are pathetic. Johnny Hyung must have been feeling so awful that he said anything he could without thinking. I doubt he was thinking of anything other than how bad he was feeling. In pain, people will say things they don’t mean and I know that that is true in his case. He loves you all, loves us all and he would do anything for any of you, he acts just as silly as any of us and can be even more so. I can also promise you that Hyung doesn't think any of those things and I mean it. Do you guys understand? You understand how awful he must have been feeling today to have said that?’ Taeyong looked around the room, at the dreamies all huddled together around Chenle and Jaemin, at the wayv boys around Yangyang, Xiaojun and Lucas to the rest of his boys dotted around each group and Mark and Hyuk curled into him. Slowly the boys began nodding, having been thinking about what their Hyung had said in his bout of pain. ‘And when or if he remembers what he said, I guarantee that he will be so disappointed in himself and he will take any opportunity to make it up to each and every one of us because </span>
  <em>
    <span>that’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>Johnny Hyung.’ He added just to reinforce what he knew about his Hyung. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The door opened behind them and their manager came back in followed by a couple of SM workers carrying the boys’ different bags which were put on the floor close to the mirrors. The boys looked at their manager in question and he waited until the workers were gone before pulling up a chair to sit with them, ‘He’s fine, Johnny is fine. He’s awake at the moment and he's responding, talking. He’ll be having some tests to see if there is a definite cause for the seizure and to see whether or not it will be a recurring thing, like epilepsy or some other condition, but for now he’s stable. I can also tell you that there is no question whether or not he will be leaving Nct, he will not– he is a member with or without a condition and that is something the company agrees with, but we will get to that point later on once we know more.’ </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was a collective sigh of relief that he was alright and that he wouldn’t be leaving the group.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘Now it’s only a matter of time before fans begin to realise that something is wrong, seeing as some of you have schedules over the next week but due to the severity of today's incident, the company is giving you a few weeks off, just until we know more, since we don’t know how long Johnny will have to stay at the hospital if at all and the company will be issuing a statement to be put out tonight for the message.’ Taeyong felt relieved that they wouldn’t have to continue promotions for the time being, for he didn’t think anyone would be able to concentrate or make good performances with all their worry. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Their manager continued on, ‘Now that you know some more I think it would be a good idea if you guys eat something– the one thing we do know is that Johnny hadn’t been eating enough over the last few weeks and none of us want to risk something happening to the rest of you so the company have ordered some simple foods which will be arriving shortly and we know it will be hard to at the moment but you all need to eat something ok.’ Everyone nodded, their manager smiling tiredly at them before taking leave of the room, leaving the 22 boys to themselves again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They were quiet, taking in the information given to them when Jungwoo started talking quietly, ‘I think Johnny Hyung might have been throwing up ever so often, that night we watched a film, I saw him </span>
  <em>
    <span>run</span>
  </em>
  <span> to the bathroom, he looked like he was going to throw up yet when he came out, he looked like nothing had happened but I swear he looked awful when I saw him leave  and as he went to his room he looked like he could fall over but he told me that he was fine, just tired so I never said anything before. I feel like it’s my fault he got so bad, if I’d come and told you what I’d seen maybe he would be alright now and not in the hospital.’ Jungwoo looked so sad, so guilty, holding onto Sungchan’s hand as the boy leant into him, ‘It wasn’t your fault Woo, Hyung would have just denied it if we tried talking to him, you know he would because he hates bothering us, he likes looking after us without being looked after, he’s been like that since we were trainees, remember. It wasn’t your fault, I promise.’ Taeyong said kindly knowing how guilty the boy must be feeling even if he had no reason to be. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked around the room, ‘Has anyone else noticed something about Johnny over the last few weeks? Anything, even if it seems insignificant.’ Most of the boys shook their heads, ‘He just looked tired all the time, and thinner, he looked thinner. I remember thinking that I didn’t like it, that Johnny Hyung shouldn’t look like that but then I didn’t think of it again.’ Yangyang said, there were nods around the room in agreement, ‘I think if we look in his room we’ll find boxes of medication on the desk, I saw a few this morning when I went to get him but I didn’t realise what they were until now.’ Yuta mentioned sitting beside Shotaro, cuddling the boy close. Taeyong nodded, ‘Thank you for that, when we go home I’d like to sort  a few things out, take the boxes away and clean his room a little bit. I think he will appreciate it once he comes back and I don’t want any of you blaming yourselves anymore alright. None of us are to blame and it is just an unfortunate event which has happened and it will be sorted out, we just need to remain calm and work together to get things back to normal. Does everyone agree?’ The boys all nodded, and the conversation ceased as their manager returned carrying some bags full of good smelling food. </span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Beep. Beep. Beep.</span>
  </em>
  <span> An annoying noise cut through Johnny’s head, the boy shifting as he tried to get away from it, going to roll over but finding that he couldn’t– something was pulling at his hand. Johnny opened his eyes slowly, closing them again briefly at the lights, when his eyes finally adjusted to the lights he realised some things; he was in a hospital room and his head didn’t hurt anymore, he wasn’t in pain anymore– well he was in pain but it wasn’t his head that hurt, it was his hand from the IV line. His breathing picked up as a wave of emotion hit him, his eyes welling up in tears he couldn’t control, however because his breathing had picked up, it meant his heart rate had and so there was a set of quite loud beeps and sounds from one of the machines he was connected to and a few moments later there were a few nurses and a doctor hurrying into the room and over to his side. ‘Mr Suh, is something wrong? Are you in pain?’ He shook his head, even as the doctor began an examination of him, bringing a torch up to his eyes and holding his hands out in front of him to test reaction. ‘No! It doesn’t hurt! It doesn’t hurt anymore.’ The doctor seemed to understand what he meant as Johnny continued to cry, yet a small, broken smile was on his face. One of the nurses handed him a small paper cup of water after he began to cough and hiccup from crying before continuing to write things down on a chart on the side of his bed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A couple of the nurses left the room, leaving Johnny with the doctor and one other nurse, still looking over the machines, yet the nurses were replaced by one of his managers, looking so frazzled and tired that Johnny instantly felt guilty. ‘Hi Hyung.’ His voice felt small and he waited for anger towards him for messing up but then his manager just sighed, looking twice his age for a second, ‘Johnny Suh you are going to give me a heart attack one day young man. We’ve all been worried sick Johnny, we still are.’ He sighed again, ‘Why didn’t you say something before?’ His manager was calm and sounded worried, looked worried now that Johnny was properly looking at him. He turned his head down, not wanting to see the disappointment after he told him, ‘I didn’t want to bother anyone, especially not the boys and I thought it would eventually go away. It hasn’t been bad until just over this week.’ He heard his manager sigh and risked a look at him, he had a hand swiping over his face as he looked at the doctor. ‘So Johnny, these headaches have been going on for a while then? Longer than a week?’ The doctor asked, writing something down on his chart, ‘Yeah the headache just never stopped but it just wasn’t bad. I don’t know exactly how long but maybe 2 months something like that.’ </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The doctor hmm’d jotting the info down, whereas his manager looked absolutely horrified, messaging someone on his phone ‘Did you feel nauseous at all during that time? Thrown up at all?’ Johnny nodded, ‘Yeah when my head didn’t hurt as bad, my stomach felt like it was turning all the time, eating became horrible so I stopped eating as much but I would still throw up ever so often and I threw up again last night, 3 times I think– if it still is the same day?’ Johnny’s manager nodded, and the doctor wrote everything he’d said down. ‘We did run some tests on you after you passed out earlier, most likely from the pain and we were able to confirm that you do not have a condition which will cause seizures, meaning you are mostly well and healthy however, from the account you’ve told me and from what you manager and the paramedics have said, I believe that this could have been stress related. You have been through a very intensive set of promotions and work which I don’t think you have had enough rest from, I also feel as though you have personally been worrying over this and stressing yourself out by thinking about it too much– feel free to correct me if I’m wrong… but I think that that is what has happened here.’ </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Johnny looked away from them, looking out the window of his room thinking about what the doctor had said, yes he’d been working himself up about this comeback, he wanted to work his best, he’d been practicing a lot more than normal, more hours at the company dancing, working on his singing and rapping. More than once he’d made himself frustrated that his singing wasn’t what he wanted it to be and he wasn’t able to dance to the precision he wanted of himself, but the more he thought of it, the first day the nausea and the headache had begun, the day before he’d messed up during practice and one of their instructors had gone off on him completely and made him practice the same thing over and over again before they were shipped straight off to a radio interview; he’d been so caught up on his mistakes that he’d begun to shake slightly… and given himself a headache, which had gone away as they travelled to the studio.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked back at the doctor nodding, ‘This comeback was hard and I wanted it to be perfect, for the fans and for the boys. I wanted it to be perfect, instead I just ruined it.’ His manager looked shocked at what he’d said, ‘Johnny, you having a medical emergency, a seizure which is not normal for you is not ruining a comeback. Having to rest is not ruining a comeback and the company has already ordered for Nct to halt promotions for now, at the moment you all have a few weeks off to relax and unwind. This is not something that was debatable Johnny and you haven’t ruined anything.’  Johnny blinked a few times, taking in what he’d just been told, ‘We have a break?’ his manager nodded again, ‘Does that mean I go home soon?’ Johnny looked at the doctor this time who was quietly talking to the remaining nurse, ‘We’re going to keep you in for a few days, just to be on the safe side, it is possible that you could have another seizure and we would want to be able to treat it as soon as it starts but if you are fine within 2–3 days and I’m happy with that, you should be able to go home.’   </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So he stayed in hospital for the next few days, recuperating and being spoken to by the doctors and nurses every few hours about how he was feeling. He hadn’t looked at his phone the entire time there, not wanting too, to be honest. He’d slept better than the last 2 weeks combined, even with the heart monitor beeping constantly over those days in the hospital. He liked that he could just let everything else fade out and just focus on himself for that time and it wasn’t like he was completely alone all the time, his manager came every day and he watched TV a lot. The doctors were pleased with his recovery from the seizure, there were no ongoing issues with his health and he’d been given the go for going home after his 3rd day there which made him really happy– he wanted to leave now but he could wait until the next morning. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He looked far better, when he’d looked in the mirror in his rooms bathroom, he looked alive again, like Johnny– his eyes weren’t dull and he’d gained colour again and he’d been told a few times over the last few days that he definitely looked better, by both his manager and the nurses that past through checking on him throughout the day. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The nurses had returned his clothes to him, cleaned but his manager had brought some fresh ones from the dorm for him to change into for the ride back; it felt good being in his own clothes and his appetite had finally come back, wolfing down a few slices of toast and his two cups of watery coffee, but it was better than anything after not having coffee for nearly a month. He’d wanted to eat more, yet his manager had made him ace himself, saying that there was going to be a feast when he arrived home. Taeyong, Doyoung, Jaemin and Jun had been in the kitchen most of the morning cooking waiting for Johnny to finally come home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Johnny was having mixed feelings, since he wanted to go home, hospitals never were his favourite thing, and see his boys, but he also didn’t want to go home and see his boys. He could remember parts of that day but not all and he could only remember that he’d shouted at them all, truly shouted, anger and all and he felt ashamed for it. He knew that he must have said some horrible things but he couldn’t remember, but they would and he didn’t know how he could live with that, they had new members too who would forever have that as a memory with Johnny and he hated it. He was going to apologise but he didn’t know how, or when or if they’d even forgive him for it; he never liked being strict or angry and just never was, so to shout at his members that viciously made him feel so guilty and so disappointed in himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The doctor and nurses looking after him had been kind and helpful so his experience hadn’t been the worst thing and he’d learnt a lot of why he’d had a seizure– Johnny didn’t even remember that, he just remembered blinding pain and then nothing until he woke up in the hospital although he was told that he was responding to the paramedics and the managers but he wasn’t making any sense or talking properly and he’d passed out soon after. He’d also been prescribed some medication which would hopefully help keep him stress free and from having another seizure although the doctor was sure that after a week he would no longer need it but to be on the safe side he’d have to take two of them, twice a day with a meal. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Leaving the hospital was like a breath of fresh air, literally, being in a hospital was so stuffy and it always smelled of antiseptic everywhere you went. He had his mask pulled over his face, along with his cap and his hoodie hood pulled up as well, while it was unlikely that there would be people waiting outside who would recognise him he still didn’t want to risk it, both his manager and a bodyguard leading him quickly to the car. Sinking into the seat, Johnny rested his head back breathing out a couple of calming breaths, before getting his phone out of his bag– it had been there since that day during practice, though luckily hadn’t run out of charge. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There were many notifications, a few from his parents although sounding pretty calm due to be told by the company beforehand, </span>
  <em>
    <span>~Youngho can you please call us when you find time~</span>
  </em>
  <span>, a couple from his EXO Hyungs asking if he was alright, Sehun Hyung sounding worried through his message which made Johnny smile at the concern and finally, the most notifications were from the group chat– 23 AND STRONG! (courtesy of Donghyuck) There were many messages from everyone, asking if anyone knew what time Johnny was coming home, if the maknaes could clean the table, if everyone could just clean! Johnny felt a chuckle rise up his throat, typing out a short message</span>
  <em>
    <span> ~I’m coming home. See you in 30.~ </span>
  </em>
  <span>he pressed send and waited for the chorus of replies to it. He’d turned his phone off for maybe 10 seconds before the first set of messages came streaming in, Hyuck, Yong, Mark, Woo, Lucas. The messages were all over the place and barely readable but it made Johnny laugh at how excited they seemed which did help him feel a bit better about going home. Soon enough everyone had sent a message to the chat, pretty unavoidable with how many notifications you’d end up getting if you never looked at it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After the chat settled down a bit, Johnny looked at the email his manager had sent him that morning of the statement SM had put out concerning Nct. He was nervous about what they had said but he knew from what his manager had said that nothing had been mentioned about Johnny specifically, so that gave him some confidence to read it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>

<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <span>‘Hello. </span>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
    <span>This is SM Entertainment.</span>
    <span>
      <br/>
    </span>
    <span>This is a statement regarding the stance of Nct Members </span>
    <span>and the agency regarding the future direction of Nct’s activities. </span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>Due to some unfortunate events which have occurred, the company and the members themselves have decided to take some time away from promotions and away from other schedules. They have been given a few weeks recuperation time, however it is unknown whether or not promotions will continue after this time period.</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>We ask for the good of Nct to allow them their privacy and to distance yourselves for this time while still supporting them in their previous promotions. Any further news will be given out if and when it is deemed important but for now we are asking for acceptance and understanding towards our artists’ and their situation.</span>
  </p>
  <p>
    <span>Thank you.’ </span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It sounded good, nothing too informative yet nothing too vague. Johnny was pleased that they hadn’t brought him into it but if needed he would release a personal statement about what had happened– but only if it got to that point or he felt that he needed too. It was half past 12 in the afternoon and Johnny was starving, apart from the toast that morning, he hadn’t really eaten anything else before leaving the hospital so he was pretty eager to get back to eating properly, yet as the car pulled into their road, Johnny wasn’t so sure; his stomach had butterflies and he felt anxious about going back in there however, he couldn’t dwell on it any more as the car had pulled into a space and parked. His manager and bodyguard climbed out the car before and rounded on his side to open the door but Johnny made no move to get out. His manager leant down and placed a hand on his shoulder, ‘They aren’t angry at you, they are more excited to see you than worried and I know that they don’t blame you for anything. They love you Johnny, come on let’s go before they start getting restless. Me and your other manager can’t wrangle 22 excitable boys easily so let’s go up, you’ll be fine.’ Coaxing the nervous boy out of the car took a few minutes, Johnny sitting steadfast in his chair before their bodyguard threatened to carry him up to the dorms– Johnny did not want that at all, knowing he actually would carry him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The group’s other manager met them in the entrance to the building, giving Johnny a very rare hug before releasing the surprised boy. ‘Good to see you Johnny, you look better.’ Johnny nodded, with a smile on his face ‘Feel it too.’ Taking the lift up to the 5th floor seemed to go too quick but there was no way for Johnny to back out now and there was no way he’d be able to avoid his members for long. Johnny dug his key out of his bag when they arrived on the floor, still having some dignity to unlock his own front door hoping that the others would be too busy doing something else to hear the door open but to be on the safe side, he motioned for one of his managers to go in first before following. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was so much commotion going on inside the moment he stepped through the door, he could hear the dreamies yelling over a game and Taeyong and Doyoung talking in the kitchen along with the occasional clatter of kitchenware. His manager opened his mouth to say something but Johnny, finding a burst of confidence because of the normalcy of the sounds around him, motioned for him to stay quiet, walking further into the dorm after taking his shoes off. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He paused just before the entrance to the living room where he knew most of the members would be and stood up straight, calling out in his normal loud, commanding voice, ‘Now where are all my boys huh? Didn’t you miss me?’ The dorm went quiet, the sound of a game and the stove making the only noise before there was a sudden stampede of feet and a burst of loud talking as boys seemed to appear from all directions. Johnny had to use all his strength to stay upright when figures barrelled into him from each angle, his laugh ripping through the noise as he wrapped his arms around the closest people, that being Jeno and Ten. He held on tight to them and felt as arms tightened around him as well, the usually loud boys all being pretty quiet as they all stood in the opening of the living room as their managers and bodyguard watched from the door.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>‘I know you all want hugs boys but I must say that I am absolutely starving and whatever you’ve been cooking smells incredible so can you release me and we can go and eat.’ There were grumbles of protest throughout the huddle around him but after catching Taeyong’s eyes, his leader finally came to his assistance, ‘Alright, you can hug him all you want later, but for now you don’t want to smother him do you. Food’s ready, so go and wash your hands, gogogo, leave him be.’ With their leader’s insistence, the tightly packed cocoon surrounding the tallest boy gradually fell away, allowing Johnny to move a bit more and he was finally left on his own with one final squeeze from Jeno before the boy went to wash his hands. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The only ones left standing there were the managers, their bodyguard, Johnny and Taeyong, who was looking at Johnny with a unreadable expression making Johnny feel rather on the spot, shifting from one foot to the other, ‘When I said to go and wash your hands, I meant everyone Hyung, now come on before the boys start eating each other.’ A huffed out sigh of relief left him as he followed Taeyong into the kitchen, heading to the sink where a few of the china line were, ruffling Hendery’s hair as he washed his hands thoroughly. His managers walked in as he was drying his hair, pushing a packet into his hand reminding him to take his pills after eating before the 3 older adults left to give the boys time together for Johnny to settle back in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Pocketing the pills he made his way out into the living room finally, the big coffee table in the middle of the room filled with a massive spread of food, more than enough for the 23 boys to eat and there were cushions on the floor around it and extra chairs pulled up, beanbags too. Doyoung was in the process of handing everyone a plate and chopsticks, so Johnny took the time to take a seat on his usual chair, the left hand side of the two seater recliner they had; it was Johnny’s seat, the moment he’d first bought it for the dorm he’d taken the left hand side– he didn’t mind who sat beside him, but the left side was his and only his. He wasn’t very surprised when Yuta came to sit beside him, handing him a big glass of water and when Johnny raised his eyebrow, the Japanese boy just pointed to his pocket that had the pills in; he gave Yuta a pat on the shoulder, taking a sip of the water, thankful for the gesture. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Every boy in that room looked hungry, staring greedily at the food and would have soon begun to riot if Taeyong hadn’t given them all the go ahead to serve themselves. Johnny had his chopsticks but hadn’t been given a plate so he leant over to grab one but was halted when Taeyong motioned to him, two plates in front of him, piling different foods onto each so Johnny just sat back and while everyone was preoccupied with getting food, popped two of the pills from their packaging ready to take when he began eating. One of the boys had put on the TV and some random episode of Friends was on which gave everyone something to focus on without the quiet being awkward, since he knew that somehow it would be. He really didn’t know what to say, so he was sure that none of the other boys would. He was able to eat as much as he could and snuck the two pills quickly with a large drink of water while just enjoying the fact that he was home and that he had all his group mates, his brothers around him.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>He got tired pretty quickly throughout the afternoon, he hadn’t taking into account how tired he’d feel after everything that had happened over the last few days; he fell asleep after a few more episodes of Friends and didn’t wake up for a couple of hours and by the time he woke up, he was mostly alone in the living room apart from a couple of the dreamies playing games on the TV but he still felt exhausted so with a stretch and a yawn he headed towards his room. Opening the door, nothing had changed apart from all the laundry which had been piling up, had been taken away, he was grateful for it and his bed had also been changed, a welcome surprise to come back too. His room also smelled far better and he noticed that there were no more pill boxes everywhere.  Throwing his bag onto his desk, he wrenched his hoodie over his head and finally laid down, his large frame grateful of the large bed he’d been given as he shifted around a bit to find the best position for himself, resting an arm across his closed eyes to keep out any remaining light– he hadn’t bothered to close the blinds and had forgotten to close his door, meaning that he could still hear movement around the dorm but it was far better than the beeping of his heart monitor at the hospital. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He may have dozed off for a while, hard to say how long. The mattress dipped beside him, making him pull his arm away from his face to find Mark crawling closer to rest against his side. His mouth twitched to the beginnings of a smile, pulling the younger Canadian closer, wrapping an arm around him, the other coming up to play idly with his hair as they lay in silence. Johnny felt comforted just having someone by his side and was just at the point of falling asleep again when Mark began getting fidgety, moving against Johnny’s side and his arm which had been around Johnny’s waist started picking at a thread on his top. ‘What’s wrong Markie?’ The boy didn’t say anything, just went still, ‘You have to talk at some point, we all need to talk about it. Come on bud, talk to me baby.’ He gave Mark a little jostle, making the boy whine and snuffle his head into Johnny’s side trying to hide his face but Johnny moved himself so that he caught a glimpse of the boy’s face– there were tears in his eyes, trying not to fall. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Footsteps coming towards the door made up Johnny’s mind, catching Renjun just as he walked past, ‘Renjun baby? Go and tell the others that I want you all in here. I think it’s time we talk ok.’ The boy looked momentarily spooked before nodding and heading off to go and get the others. Mark had also finally lifted his head up and was looking at Johnny in question, but Johnny didn’t want to begin talking if the rest of the boys weren’t there as well; instead he shifted so that he could lean against the wall, bringing Mark with him to lean against him as some of the boys entered the room, Jaehyun, Lucas, Taeyong, Doyoung, Jisung and Chenle who Johnny beckoned closer, Lucas taking the space on Johnny’s left, pulling Taeyong with him so that they were both pressed close to Johnny’s side. Jaehyun took place beside Mark wrapping an arm underneath him to grasp at Johnny’s side gently with his hand, while Jisung curled up against Johnny’s chest between his legs and Doyoung sat with Chenle against the other wall holding the boy around his waist, near to Lucas and Taeyong. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The next wave of boys entered, Ten, Donghyuck, Jaemin, Jeno, Jungwoo, Winwin and Taeil, each finding a place on the bed, tucking legs under legs, pulling bodies close as the last set of boys arrived, Yuta, Kun, Xiaojun, Hendery, Yangyang, Sungchan, Shotaro and Renjun, all fitting themselves into the pile that surrounded Johnny from where he was sitting– making him so thankful he had such a big bed and big room, seeing how half the time, he’d have someone else in the bed too, some of the boys falling asleep and Johnny not having the heart to wake them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Looking round to make sure that everyone was comfortable Johnny looked at each of the boys, seeing how many of them avoided his eyes, not a usual occurrence when it came to Johnny but he sucked it up, taking a calming breath in before speaking, ‘First things first, I want to say I’m sorry.’ Some of them started to complain but Johnny shushed them, ‘No boys, no. I know that I need to apologise, while I can’t remember exactly what I shouted at you guys, I know that it was something horrible and I am so, so sorry about it. I promise that it will never happen again and I don’t mean anything that I said. I love each and every one of you boys, my wonderful Hyung and mischievous dongsaengs and I have never thought of shouting at any of you like that and once I was able to leave the hospital this morning, I thought about that day and how horrible I had been to you all, I never meant any of it. I hope you can all forgive me, I don’t want any of you feeling uncomfortable being around me, I still want you guys to be able to depend on me but if any of you still don't feel very happy… well I can't say I’d blame you, I’m just as disappointed in myself even more so. So once again I’m so sorry.’ He let out a rush of breath from speaking faster than he realised, Mark taking his hand and Taeyong rubbing over his knuckles where Jisung was holding onto his other hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a few minutes of quiet, Johnny himself started getting shifty, wanting to leave or at least move, but Lucas and Jaehyun both had hands on his sides and Ten and Winwin were nearly lying on top of his legs, caging them so it was virtually impossible for him to move an inch. ‘Hyung, we’re not angry with you, we’re not upset– we’re just worried, we’ve been worried this entire time.’ Kun said, looking sad, ‘The kids were petrified yesterday, we all were and I’ve still got your watch in my room after taking it off you when you started seizing.’ There were a few winces around the room, ‘Yes you yelling at us was frightening as hell and even more concerning but we don’t blame you for anything. To be honest many of us thought we caused it, what had happened and…’ Johnny had gone taut, looking horrified, ‘NO, no none of you are to blame.’ the boys all looked away from him, flushing on their cheeks, ‘I want all of you to look at me right now! Understand me when I say that, None. Of this. Is. Your. Fault. It was </span>
  <em>
    <span>my fault</span>
  </em>
  <span>, I didn’t tell anyone I felt bad, I ignored all the signs of the headache getting worse, I didn’t eat enough because of the nausea and throwing up. None of it was your fault. I was stubborn and didn’t want to bother anyone so I just carried on practicing, promoting, doing shows, vlives and even now I know that what happened 4 days ago was my fault. I don’t want any of you blaming yourselves for something you had no control over, since I never said anything. It was my mistakes and my stubbornness which hurt me in the end. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> let myself get to that point, not you. It was all me.’ </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The maknae turned his head from where he was against Johnny’s chest, ‘But we did notice you weren’t alright. You stopped talking as much, messing around with us. You stopped eating as much and you stopped drinking </span>
  <em>
    <span>coffee</span>
  </em>
  <span> but no one ever said anything to you and the one time we did you didn’t say anything. Woo Hyung saw you after you threw up, Yuta Hyung saw the boxes of pills on your table’ Johnny sighed, resting his head on Jisung’s, looking at the rest of them. ‘I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think it was bad, I didn’t think that I needed to bother anyone. Honestly I just thought I wasn’t getting enough sleep and I was worrying over the comeback. I’m sorry I never said anything. It won’t happen again.’ Donghyuck's head popped up from where he was cuddling Taeil, ‘You’re damn right it won’t happen again Hyung because we aren’t going to let it happen!’ </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Everyone looked at the boy in stunned silence before nodding their heads looking back at Johnny, where Taeyong spoke for the first time since entering the room, ‘He’s right though, not only you Hyung, this applies to everybody now. Seeing as how much this actually affected us emotionally, I think that this is a lesson that from now on, if you feel unwell, be it mentally or physically– you tell someone, anyone, I don’t want to see another one of my members feeling ill from stress or overworking themselves. I also think this will be a lesson for the company as well, maybe there will be changes in the way we all get looked after. We know what has happened with our EXO Hyungs, our Super Junior Hyungs, Shinee Hyungs and all our noonas over the years and I never thought something would happen in my group to one of </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> members and I never want it happening again. Do you promise to say something if you ever feel sick or stressed?’ There were 22 vocal confirmations before Taeyong turned specifically on Johnny, ‘And do you promise the same Hyung, you promise to say something if You ever feel anything like this again?’ Johnny grinned, nuzzling his head into Taeyong’s neck while looking at the pile of boys surrounding him, ‘Yeah Yongie I promise. I promise every single one of you.’</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>